Rain(bows)♥

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Your conscience is pricking while mine has been cleared,

this to you may sound completely absurd,

but bear in mind,

these troubling times,

are a result of what you fear.

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I’m sick and tired of having my patience tested over and over again, it’s driving me insane. I plan my way around only to have it blocked by dozens of hugeass stones that refuse to budge. Am I living the dream or what? Really, over and over again, so I’ll just have to keep pushing huh? Well, am I suppose to push till I lose the ability to feel my limbs? Perhaps, and guess what? This is only the beginning.

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Yup, I’m turning my back on God and everything I’m suppose to be focusing on again, and I know I am. Will I be able to deal with its consequences? We’ll see about that, but for now, let’s just take a stroll down this endless hole and look back when it’s too late.

It might just bring me back to Him instead.

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Stop abusing your pity card, really, just stop. I’m tired and exhausted. Out of my mind. Work has been draining me physically inside out. I’m happier, but with exhaustion comes irrationality and that’s when those repulsive soul sucking thoughts emerge at their strongest. I write best when I’m exhausted though, I feel braindead when I sleep too much or when I’m too happy (I know this is warped) because only when you’re emotionally bruised and battered to a point where you’re stripped to the bone, can you write well. 

And this post definitely does not compliment my previous post well.

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Perhaps occasional familiarity is still better than constant novelty. I’m so tired but that aside, I thank God for today, despite being so tired and worn out, I’ve come to realize that I’ve learnt to let go of many things (: the anger and frustration that used to come along when reminded of the past have gone, and I feel like a whole lot of weight has been lifted of my shoulders (:

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More work = more money

More work = lesser time to think

More work = new people

More work = new places

More work = lesser dependency

Nowonder my friend once told me he sees me doing freelancing next time, ahaha I’m damn addicted to novelty.

WAHLAU WASTED 18000 LEH ):

nvm if I didn’t enrol in JCU, I wouldn’t be enjoying work, and probably just wondering why didn’t I take my degree, or would I? Hmm…

?

3 years ago, you introduced a particular song to me, and after not meeting for 3 years, that same song is still stuck in your head, when you’re with me. Funny how that song holds so much meaning. 

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I need to stop caring about what people think of me. I need to stop thinking about what could possibly be running through your mind after reading this, I need to stop thinking if anyone actually reads this page/how many people read this page/who actually bothers reading this page. Every decision I make seems to be carefully thought through before being implemented because I’m constantly asking myself “What will he think of me? What will she say? What will she feel after viewing this page/picture? Will it be positive? Will he judge me?” If I want to be an actor, I need to be completely naked, exposed, I need to be able to throw myself out there and have confidence that no one is going to judge me, and even if people do, it’s not going to matter because I believe in myself, I need to be able to take constructive criticism and harsh words. Acting is not about escaping yourself, it’s about using yourself. If this is what I always wanted, I’ve gotta do this, and I’ve also got to tell myself that even if I don’t get through the audition on the 15th, I can always try again, and so what if 17 days isn’t enough time to get me through? Miracles can happen but that doesn’t mean I don’t have enough potential.

I have this very bad tendency to hope that things will just somehow drop from the sky, and when they don’t I blame myself for wishing that way. I’m just afraid that my best won’t be good enough because I set very high standards for myself. I love using that as an excuse. (score=1)

So what if people can’t be happy for me? So what if the people who are so important to me can’t be happy for me? If you can’t take me being at my best, you were never a friend. If you can’t be happy for me at my happiest, you were never a friend. 

Don’t waste time with people who constantly drain the soul out of you, it doesn’t mean you don’t care because you will be there if anything happens, or if that person seeks your advice, but don’t bother reaching out/opening yourself up to the people who just want to see you suffer, who just want someone else to be in the same position as them, humans are awfully self-centered creatures, people want to have “who has suffered the most” competitions simply because it makes them right, it gives them reasons, but reasons should never turn into excuses. (but despite being two completely different words with completely different meanings, they tend to merge alot)

I’ve been down that road and it wasn’t pretty, but I know sure as hell that I never wanted, nor want someone to go through what I’ve been through/or shit worse that what I’ve went through, but my reasons did turn into excuses.

You know when someone cares about you more than themselves when they trust you more than themselves. (this almost never happens, at least for me score=2) However, it doesn’t mean that you can’t care without trusting, you can. Just don’t intentionally make yourself sound miserable because someone else needs to know that he/she is not the only one suffering, it’s nice to know that you aren’t alone, or that someone else understands but that’s all, so if someone actually likes listening to you talk about your problems (not because she wants to help but because she’s enjoying the fact that you’re miserable) don’t waste your time comforting her/him, you’ll just end up getting hurt, because they are just too self centered to give a damn, or probably mentally comparing their situation with what you’re talking about to determine if she should feel better or worse. Everyone has their own little inner demon, we just need to know how to tame it.

Humans have this need to feel better than the people who have once hurt them, it’s like when you’re shopping one day and you see a person who has hurt you before, you tend to want to know how she’s doing, “is she feeling sad? Has he/she screwed herself/himself up? Is she doing better than me now????” In the back of your head you know it’s wrong to feel that way (though it’s so much easier to just bask in your ‘enemies’ misery IKR score=3) but you can’t, and you shouldn’t. So you tame the beast that is itching for a fight, you tell yourself you can’t be like that, learn how to forgive, and move on, more often than not this stems from the fact that you can’t forgive yourself for trusting that person either, so work from the inside first.

K it’s time for bed.

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Like I said, friends who can’t be happy for their friends shouldn’t be friends in the first place. Comparison is the root of all jealousy and evil, I swear. SO WHAT IF YOUR FRIEND IS HAPPIER/PRETTIER/SMARTER/RICHER/(INSERT ADJECTIVE) THAN YOU?! Be happy for her. It’s not easy, no one said it was, especially if you don’t feel too good about yourself or if YOU’RE CONSTANTLY PUTTING PEOPLE DOWN TO FEEL GOOD SO IN TURN YOU FEEL LOUSY WHEN SOMEONE IS BETTER THAN YOU (well then honestly that’s your own problem for feeling inferior) but HOW CAN YOU EVEN BRING YOURSELF TO EVEN BASK IN YOUR OWN FRIENDS MISERY?! Like can’t you at least TRY TO BE HAPPY?! And remind yourself that HEY YOU KNOW CAUSE SHE’S MY FRIEND I SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR HER, IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’LL LOVE TO SEE ME DIE. Girls always have this problem, ALWAYS and that’s why I’d much rather make friends with guys. I’m not perfect, but really, I know for sure that I don’t indulge in such underhanded means.

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If I want this, I cannot afford to allow perceived judgments get in my way. Confidence, Pearlyn where’s your confidence? 

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I need to stop viewing life as a movie. This urge for something dramatically life changing to happen has got to stop. It’s not like I don’t have enough shit to talk about already, and I didn’t want and never asked for that kind of shit to happen. I want something different, something exciting, not some lame love story about betrayal or the lost of a loved one. 

I want something agitating, something annoying, something that will bring out the worst in me, and make me change completely for the better. Yes I am changing for the better, right now, I (kinda) know I won’t go back to the girl I used to be, but how do we know for sure? How do I know for sure? I’m turning 21 this year, and I want to do things I never thought I’d do, I want to do shit out of this world, go crazy, get a fake tan, a tattoo, dye my hair hot pink, get bright red highlights, live like the superficial but know deep down inside, that there’s more to life than this.

I just can’t stand routine.

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i’m so terribly unmotivated it’s not funny. I’m really not cut out for studying, should’ve just did a degree in drama instead. Let’s just see how this goes, for now I’ll still have to do my best.

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Am I suppose to burn those bridges and rid of the ashes? Or am I suppose to make the effort to mend them? The sentimental side of me screams for freedom, but my heart tells me I won’t be able to take anymore of such shit. No doubt I miss how most of my friendships once were, but people change, I’ve changed.

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Losing patience, losing grip, losing myself. What’s real? Seriously? When I’ve been bruised and battered to a point where scars no longer seem like a big deal, fresh wounds just keep coming and so what if my body is just some piece of filth or shreds of useless remains? It doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t trust anymore. I can’t. Not anyone but myself, and God’s plan ahead of me. 

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Bring me back to the start, when everything was pure and clean, when my heart was still whole, and when God was my center and nothing else mattered but His grace and mercy. These words come from the depths of my heart and soul and with each breath I take I pray for change.

With each step I stumble and fall, and with each step I drag myself off the ground and take a bigger step forward. For once, I’m getting there, but now I can’t seem to find the strength to stand, I’m staring at the finish line, wishing there was an easier way out, but all that surrounds me is nothingness and I’m left with 2 alternatives, to turn back, or to move forward.

It’s going to be a long journey.